Trusting the Author of the Plan

As I start getting in touch with my feelings more and learning how to identify and communicate them, I'm learning to recognize more quickly the disconnect that happens when I start to shut down. For the past couple of weeks, I have felt disconnected from God, my husband, my kids.... so I started to look at what was going on. It is so much easier for me to withdraw than to vocalize it when I am feeling "bad." So.... then what? I began to pray and really search about what was going on for me spiritually.

I have been reading "He Loves Me" by Wayne Jacobsen since April. Yes, it is THAT good! The chapter I am in right now is titled "In the Darkest Moment...Trust." That is what I decided to do in April and I prayed through on that. Yet lately when I feel God is asking me to do something I absolutely NEVER imagined for myself, doubt has begun to creep in to my soul. Now, after everything he has brought me through, when suddenly I find myself unsure of what God wants me to do, I allowed myself to start doubting him. Why? Have his intentions towards me changed? No! Do I think that he has become unable to make sound plans? Would he ask me to do something that is wrong or that would cause me harm? No! By inserting himself between me and the cross, he has shown me his intense love for me. He wants me to reciprocate that love, and I can do that by trusting him.

Instead of doubting him, I should be assuming that his plans for me are beyond my expectations and even my ability to see and understand! When I can become trusting of him even in those times when I can't see him or understand his plan, then I can continue to walk with him. If I allow the doubts to overwhelm me, I create separation by my attitude of mistrust.

This principle was lived out fully in Jesus as he is was on the cross. When my sin overwhelmed Jesus so much that he could not sense his Father's presence, he cried out, "My God, my God, why hast Thou forsaken me?" Right there, in that very moment, Jesus was where I feel right now. When I feel overwhelmed, even consumed by my problems, fears, doubts, etc. I am tasting only the smallest portion of what Jesus felt on the cross.

But Jesus' example on the cross is one I need to follow. In his darkest moment of despair, in his perception of abandonment by his Father, when he felt God had turned away from him, he lived out his heart of trust that he had built through his love relationship with his Father. His dying words show me how to live: "Father, into your hands I commit my spirit."

If I am going to be like Jesus, then when I feel confusion, I will say, "Father, into your hands I commit my life plan." When fear for my kids begins to control my life, I will say, "Father, into your hands I commit my boys." When it is time to budget and pay the bills, I will say, "Father, into your hands I commit my finances." When I can't figure out what God is doing; when I've just messed up big time; when I'm lonely, empty and withdrawing; when I'm uncertain about my future; when I start thinking of "better ways;" the answer is always the same: "Into your hands, Abba Father, I commit my spirit, my life, my everything."