A Day I Lived "Less Loved"

From a journal entry on Sunday, 1-3-2010:

I felt sick today and decided to stay home from church. I really felt God drawing me to some audio recordings by Wayne Jacobsen (http://www.lifestream.org/audio-library.php), so I’ve listened to a couple of them. During my listening, Father has gently brought me back into living loved. Wayne is right when he says in his book (chapter 17, He Loves Me: Learning to Live in the Father’s Affection) that we can’t make the choice to live loved once for a lifetime.

This choice is made every day in every circumstance in which I find myself. Do I trust that Father loves me even in this, or will I fall back on my own wisdoms and desires? What a question!

I’ve been struggling with this illness all week, but decided I would ride it out without seeing a doctor because we didn’t have the finances to pay for one. Yesterday, Mike insisted I go to the Take Care clinic at Wal-greens. In fact, his words to me were: “Let me love you by taking you there and taking care of you.” That could very well have been the Father’s words to me through Mike.

But on that day, I relapsed into my own wisdom and desires. I didn’t relax into Father’s love, through Mike. Rather, at first I refused to go. Then I began to look for ways to pay the bill, even after Father through Mike said not to worry about it.
With resentment, worry, and anger I tromped into Walgreens. Eighty-two dollars, a diagnosis of NOT STREP, and a wasted thirty minutes later, I tromped back out with resentment still riding my back. Because of my refusal to live loved yesterday, I hurt myself and I hurt others.

I missed the chance to live loved by my husband, who was living loved by Father and loving me. I missed the chance to live loved by Father when I was told I didn’t have strep. I missed too the chance to live loved by Father when the clerk told us we would be billed for services rendered.

Father in every way was loving me and I completely missed it! I made the choice on this day and in this circumstance to live less loved.

“Father, I know there is nothing I can do to cause you to love me more…or less. I failed the challenge of life in Your kingdom to lived loved, trusting that Your eye is on me. Since I do know you as my Abba Father, I know we can start new today, and I’m loved no less for my failures from yesterday. Father, today would you show me your love? Would you show me today how you are building a relationship with me? Help me to relax into your love.”

Matthew 6:32-34 (The Message): “What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concern will be met. Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.”